The "forgiveness" that has been popularized in the last few decades seems to me to be driven by selfishness and is way off base. Jesus is being used by people who haven't really studied His teachings as an excuse to relinquish one's responsibility toward others by backing away from and burying the evil that has been perpetrated toward us and others.
Before Jesus talks about forgiveness, (Mathew 18) He gives some guidelines about how to deal with someone who has done something you know to be wrong. First you go to them privately and discuss it. If they won't listen, you talk to one or two others to see what they think, and if they are agreement, you go back with the other person or persons. If they still won't listen, you take it to the extended community, and if they remain adamant you write them off.
After this, Peter asks if you should forgive "your brother" i.e. someone who has shown responsiveness and is still a part of your community "seven times". The reply is "seventy-seven," which is taken to mean, every time they need it.
Then comes the story about the servant whose debt was erased, who went out and threatened everyone who owed him. When the boss found out about it, he promptly sent the wretch off to jail.
I remember one woman on the Oprah show talking with enthusiasm about how if and when the perp who had seriously harmed her and was continuing to threaten her from his prison cell was released, she would invite him to her home for supper because she had "forgiven" him. It was insane, but illustrated clearly to me how wrong-headed this cheap make-myself-feel-better-right-now forgiveness is.
Forgiveness used to be really difficult - it was an act of release done for the benefit of the perpetrator to release them from the onus of hatred. Now it is just a way in which people release themselves from the responsibility that they should exercise on behalf of future victims, a way of burying their heads in the sand and "letting go" for the purpose of feeling good. It seems to me that when we have been harmed, we should take the hard steps to ensure, as far as we can, that what happened to us does not happen again to anyone else. There is a difference between a one time accident, an error in judgment, a mistake, and habitual inclinations that will drive the perpetrator to repeat the same offense again and again. When we have been harmed by such a predator, we need to carefully consider how we could best contribute to the protection of others by sharing our experience with law enforcement and others who may be able to help us deal with this experience and its ramifications in our lives and the lives of other past and potential victims.
To me the word victim seems loaded with a world of potential harm to the person who chooses to live under it's appellation. It suggests an abandonment of personal power to direct one's own path in life. It makes sense to make sure you have not slipped off the edge and given yourself over to hatred-fueled revenge. Fueled by hatred and revenge, you will not be able to think straight and change things for the better, so it is good to sort through things with a good friend or counselor, but the process should be geared towards ensuring justice in the community, not feeling comfortable about horrors that have been done to us and which could be perpetrated on other people if we fail to speak up or act. And it should release us from the confines of the helpless role that the word victim implies and lead us to self confident purposefulness.
One of the problems with our language is that we are molded by it into thinking that there is or even has to be a choice between "justice" and "mercy". When you think deeply about this, you realize that justice and mercy cannot exist unless they are both integral to the same decision. We see justice without mercy practiced by Al-Quada and Isil. Mercy without justice opens the cell doors to offenders who will kill and rape again. We need another term that everyone understands to incorporate both of these attributes. It makes no sense to keep on punishing someone who is appalled by what has occurred and will take steps to see that it never happens again, just as it makes no sense to subject society at large to people who are a threat to the safety and security of others.
When we have responsibly done all that we can there may come a time to "let go". There are things that can't be set right - and part of being reasonable is accepting what can't be changed and how that has changed us, yet going on with the life that we can have in the wake of whatever has happened.
Jesus also makes it clear that if we want to be forgiven for the things we regret having done, we need to forgive others for what they have done to us. But we must keep in mind that He is in no way advocating that forgiveness should pave the way for new atrocities, but to real peace, real community and justice/mercy.
